You're going to want to lower your expectations.
I want to start out by saying that I really did have the best intentions, but as it turns out, just setting goals isn't good enough. Apparently I don't get to just be clever and flippant about my bad habits until they magically change. Damn.
We'll start with my successes. I'm crushing it at being thankful for shit.
|Having my Pride outfits picked out a week ahead of time|
|20 Seasons of the Amazing Race on Hulu Plus|
And I'm basically amazing at Pinterest. Look at these wonderful things I found!
|More Doritos recipes!|
|Andrew Rannells and Justin Bartha are so dreamy I could just die.|
Let's be real though, I kind of had a head start at sitting around pondering how awesome my life is, and if I wanted to waste time online looking at things I was never gonna do, the internet is positively brimming with porn (too far?).
My ingenious work out routine fell apart almost as quickly as it started. I went to the gym two more times before I realized that really I didn't care about watching Nashville enough to warrant getting on a treadmill. I had every intention of going way more. I packed my gym bag every day, leaving it in the car so I could go straight from work. It's not that I ever make the decision not to go. It isn't until I'm on my way and drive right past the turnoff that I think, "Oh...well I guess that's not happening." I did make it to the gym once, and I got all the way to the locker room before I realized I'd forgotten my ear buds and left (I found them in the car, but at that point I'd already psyched myself up to go home).
I did slightly better with the Pride countdown and ab workouts. Only slightly though.
|3 days til Pride and...more....links than that|
You're probably thinking, "I get it, Chris, getting into an exercise routine is hard, but with your new and improved, healthier eating habits you're probably not doing too bad!"
Well...I suppose that would be the case, but eating right is super hard, guys. I'm convinced that people who eat well balanced and healthy meals without eating junk food are living lives devoid of joy. Whoever said "Nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels." obviously never tasted Ben & Jerry's Half Baked ice cream. So I of course "cheated" on my diet plan for about three weeks before Pride crunch time hit and I had to start taking drastic measures...last night for supper I had Diet Coke with a Twizzler straw. You might think that this wouldn't be a filling meal, but once you get through about the sixth can it's hard to imagine fitting anything else in there. Before anyone goes and calls my mom to get me checked into a treatment facility, I feel like I should also note that I ended up eating a full box of Ranch Wheat Thins (in about ten minutes) later in the night.
I'm not faring much better on my bills. Apparently they're even easier to ignore when they are tucked away in file folders. The mail is getting opened at least (and I do mean it's literally the least I could be doing).
Perhaps my biggest failure is with the desk...that damn desk.
This desk was supposed to solve my organization problems. It was supposed to be the catalyst for changing my life and growing the f#%! up. But what was to be the symbol of my adulthood has quickly become the symbol of my failure. I never did get that desk chair, and it still sits pushed up against my bed in the perfect position to lay in bed watching The Amazing Race for hours (it's oddly satisfying watching the grueling and physical challenges from my bed in my underwear). It's littered with empty Diet Coke cans, bottles of nail polish, and that empty box of Wheat Thins. I was going to post a picture, but I'm literally too embarrassed (and I have no shame).
So I guess my journey is still just starting. Thank you all for reading, and I hope you'll stick with me while I continue to work through this. I'm sure there is plenty of ridiculousness ahead, but it's hard to feel disheartened while I type this from the comfort of my bed.
And I mean, it's not like I haven't done anything in the past two months. I did grow a patchy goatee.
|Added the glittery pink nail polish to sissy the look up a bit|
So that's pretty grown up.