And then I remember that I'm a grown ass man, and I still have a job that I need to go to every day. So I'll give up on the summer vacation fantasy...but you can't seriously expect me to work a full day and then do something other than drink Lemon Berry Shandy and pretend I'm a Real Housewife in some much more glamorous city.
As the cooler weather rolls in, however, so does an overwhelming sense of regret and dread when it think back to all of the wasted time, money spent, and Cheetos eaten in the last three months. So for the next three months I'll be working to undo some of the damage done by Summer Chris with my Fall Resolutions.
I'm not going to say that the heat is responsible for all of my bad decisions, but I'm pretty sure it's definitely responsible for short circuiting my brain and making me think it's fine to not pay my phone bill so I can afford to buy pizza at 3 in the morning on a Wednesday.
Go to bed, fool.
In fact, let's go ahead and make that resolution #1.
1. Go to bed, fool.
Netflix will still be there tomorrow. You're not actually hungry. Nothing is happening on Facebook after 10 pm. Maybe you could try cleaning your apartment at a reasonable time of the day? Turn the Kylie Minogue off, and go to sleep.
2. Try cooking things that aren't chicken or pasta.
Chicken and pasta are delicious, but I'm worried I'm becoming a bit of a one trick pony. Even my Pinterest board is dominated almost entirely by chicken or pasta dishes (and, also, I should probably just rename the board, "Ways to get cheese into my body"). I've been trying to pay attention to more diverse recipes, and there's even talk of buying a squash.
Also, every kitchen cleaner commercial I've ever seen has given me a really unreasonable fear of raw chicken, so I think this is going to make cooking a lot less stressful.
3. Read two books from this list.
I worry that I've wasted most of my twenties reading about shopaholics when I know that I should be reading something a bit more profound. I mean, ideally, I'd read all 65 books on the list, but I'm realistic about how much reading I can get done in 3 months (and I still have a few books about that shopaholic to get through).
Plus, I have Netflix now, so my schedule is pretty full.
4. Pick up the phone and call someone.
I have so many friends that I haven't spoken to in ages, and every time I see them we always do the same "We definitely need to keep in touch more! Phone date?" song and dance. Can we all just agree that this is bullshit? I've never once followed up on this. It's not even that I don't want to talk to these people, I just have it stuck in my head that I'm way to busy, but I'm pretty sure I spent an hour staring at my DVD's trying to pick one to watch the other day. I'm pretty sure I can squeeze in twenty minutes to talk to people that I genuinely like.
So be forewarned, if you promise to catch up with me, you don't get to leave until we've got a date written down in our planners.
(4.5. Buy a planner.)
5. Stop watching YouTube videos that you know will make you cry (unless you're really ready to commit to it).
Have you guys seen that Home Depot marriage proposal video? I knew full well what would happen when I watched it, and I knew that I had to go to work shortly afterwards, but I watched it anyway. I sobbed my way through all five minutes and forty-one seconds of it, and it f#%!ed with my whole night.
Now we've established that I love a good cry, but I need to stop sabotaging my mood when I have shit to do.
6. Save your money.
I really, really need to get a better handle on my finances, and the only way I'm gonna pull it off is if I put a lock on all of the stupid stuff I spend my money on (I considered buying a toe ring the other day, you guys. a toe ring). I've got a flight to Vegas to buy in the next few months, and it would suck to miss out on that because I can't get my argyle sock addiction under control.
There are countless ways to keep myself entertained without spending a dime...probably.
7. Watch your portions.
Every diet plan that I've tried, I've failed...spectacularly. My new plan is to work on just not losing my goddamn mind once a week when I decide a deserve to splurge.
After I finish this pan of brownies off.
8. Drink more wine.
Because I want to feel good about checking at least one of these off the list.
9. Be a better listener (and in turn, a better friend).
I have an overwhelming urge to be at the center of every conversation. It's a trait that bugs even me, so I can't imagine how other people feel. I'm working on taking a backseat in social interactions, asking leading questions rather than segueing immediately into a story about myself, and at least pretending to be interested in what other people are saying (even if I'm really, really not).
10. Don't stress, this is your favorite time of year, enjoy it!
Sweater weather, Halloween, crunchy leaves littering the sidewalk, carving pumpkins, hoodies and campfires, candy corn, watching Hocus Pocus, scarves, and a whole crop of new TV shows (and new fictional characters to grow attached to) are right around the corner. I'm going to make an effort to not worry about things I can't control, and work on being present in and appreciating my favorite time of year!
Happy Fall, y'all!