Wednesday, May 29, 2013

I Wasn't Prepared For This...

Awhile ago, while drinking in the shower, I had a giant glob of shampoo fall into my drink. It was then that I realized that there are moments in life that I have not been adequately prepared to deal with. I'm not implying that my education and upbringing wasn't a good one. I'm sure my parents and teachers did the very best that they could to prepare me for life, and I'm sure some of the lessons they taught me will be helpful once I actually reach adulthood (any day now). It's this in between time that I'm feeling unprepared for.

This week I've decided to share with you five of the things that I wish I'd been better prepared for. The list was originally going to be ten, but I got wordy (lazy) and decided to share half now and continue in a later post.

1. Interpersonal Communication

We all had public speaking classes, and they really did teach me all kinds of things about communicating (that I should feel shitty every time I say "umm," for instance). But I've never come across a situation in my real life where I've been asked to give a 5-7 minute informative speech. I have, however, been forced to chit chat every damn day of my life. I never mastered the art of one-on-one conversation with strangers. Usually it's not an issue, I'm perfectly fine sitting in silence while I get my haircut. I don't really care if people think I'm rude for not making small talk when shoved into awkward situations, I've got nothing at stake here. The only time it becomes an issue is when it's a stranger that I'm interested in banging.

I'm sure much of it stems from being a gay teenager and not getting the practice that my peers got with flirting in high school, but I'm completely hopless at it. I don't know how to approach guys, and when a conversation is actually started I haven't the faintest idea how to keep it going. For instance, there is a guy who works at a store that I frequent that I'm completely infatuated with. I stop in there once every few weeks, and he always strikes up a conversation (by conversation I mean he talks, and I laugh excessively, avoid eye contact, and then leave). This has been going on for around two years now...and I have yet to learn his name.

I'm not saying we should have spent a whole semester covering flirting, but a few role playing exercises couldn't have hurt (maybe with a hunky member of the football team).

2. The Dangers of Social Media

Social media was born after I'd already left high school, so my generation is really the one that has had to suffer through all the embarrassments that come along with it. It is our responsibility to share our humiliations with the next generation.

Some tips from personal experience:

- If you have to ask a friend if your status is inappropriate before you post it, it is. It's hilarious in the bar when I talk about wanting to do 78.3% of the bartenders, but my teenage niece definitely doesn't need to see it.

- Always be aware of where your thumbs are in relation to the "Like" button when browsing from a smart phone. Sure I can unlike the shirtless picture of the guy who graduated two years after me that I've never spoken to, but that notification has already been sent. Too little, too late.

- Following that cute guy you made out with the year before at Pride on Instagram at 2 in the morning is only going to prove to him that you were creeping on pictures of him at 2 in the morning. Look at your life, look at your choices.

- If you're going to call someone out for poor grammar, be sure that you've proofread your response...twice. Or maybe just don't do it, you're better than that.

- Don't look at your ex's profile. Just don't.

3. Creative Writing for Your OK Cupid Profile

Is there anything more awkward than writing about yourself in an online dating profile? Where is the line between highlighting your good qualities and bragging or between self deprecating and self hating? Is it fine to have pictures with a drink in your hand (and, more importantly, why am I holding a drink in every picture)? From looking at other profiles I can tell that I'm not the only one who has had issues with this. I'm going to lose it if I see one more About Me section that just reads, "Ask me" (bitch, make me want to)!

I loved my Creative Writing class (and not just because I believe that class's teacher is among my readers). I probably had more fun co-authoring a murder mystery play than anyone has ever had doing homework, but I feel like a week spent perfecting our personal sales pitch probably would have been helpful.

4. Dealing With a Break-up

I've made some pretty poor decisions when getting over a relationship. I always think two bottles of red wine and sappy movies is the answer, but then it's over and I'm not only sad and alone, but I'm also depressed that  the technology to "Eternal Sunshine" someone out of your brain doesn't yet exist (plus there's nothing less cute than waking up with red wine stained teeth after passing out on the couch with your hand in a bag of Cheetos). 

So maybe we could just provide our high school graduates with a pamphlet with their diploma listing do's and don't's for breaking-up and moving on.

- DO spend time with friends.
- DON'T spend time with your "Friends" DVD's. You don't need to be dealing with that Ross and Rachel shit right now.

- DO go out dancing!
- DON'T YouTube piano ballad covers of Robyn's "Dancing on my Own." 

- DO listen to Britney!
- DON'T listen to that one super sad Britney know the one.

- DO give yourself one weekend to stay in, not shower, and wallow.
- DON'T forget to change your underwear. You're sad, but there's no need to be gross.

- DO remember to be the bigger person.
- DON...actually, f#%! that, burn their shit. Do what you gotta do, gurl!

5. Caring for a Drunk Friend

Remember that fake baby everyone had to take home for a few days for that Family Planning class? I was amazing at that assignment, but I was really more focused on ensuring that no one saw the baby in the same outfit twice. I think high school seniors should be required to take an adult sized, animatronic, drunk friend home to take care of for a weekend (just by typing this I'm getting myself worked up about Terminators). You'd have to wake up every few hours to make sure they're still breathing, change their shirt for them when they puke all over themselves, and feed them Taco Bell at three in the morning followed by a bottle of water before bed. Taking your eyes off of them for more than thirty seconds would result in the next hour of your life wandering around surrounding bars looking for them with only slightly coherent texts to guide you.

"Where the f#%! did you go?!"
"am by teh wall"
"What wall? Where?!"
"come 2 hre"
"Come where?!"

*twenty minutes pass*

"r u mad at mee"

If I'd known just how ridiculous caring for a drunk person was, it might have stopped me from ever drinking in the first place. Or it would have just reinforced what I currently do when I drink, get the drunkest, the fastest, and then you don't have to take care of anyone.

I realize it's not entirely logical to have these things taught in school, but some sort of warning about just how ridiculous being a twenty-something can be would have been nice. At least make graduating seniors watch the first season of Girls or something.

Side note, I may have struggled writing my OK Cupid profile, but the finished product is kind of perfect.

A sampling:

"Above all else I believe in being a good person, treating everyone I meet with respect, and that life is too short to drink cheap vodka."

Crushed it. Line up, boys.


  1. When nobody comments on your blog, I feel a little sad for you. Come on, people, you know you want to comment here instead of Facebook!

    Also, next time I teach a speech class, I will be sure to pair you with a cute football player so you can practice your flirting! You only had to ask!

    You've made me rethink several lesson plans, so thank you! ;)

    1. Definitely consider it for future speech classes, if I can get even one little choir boy flirted with by the captain of the football team I will feel like I've accomplished something great.

    2. I just want to say, dear Creative Writing teacher, that you gave us a C on our Murder Mystery play and I'm still not okay with that. Sure, it might have been two days late -- but it was awesome enough to make it worth the wait. There. I said it. Feel free to regret your decision and give us an unofficial A now. (Admit it, you probably still have a copy and have considered selling it to make a quick fortune.)

    3. Tyanne - I'm sorry. Please, please, please forgive me for giving you a C! You can have your unofficial A - I'm going to write it in my gradebook right now! Selling someone else's work? Did I teach you nothing? I would never! :)

  2. A brief lesson on avoiding those nasty hangover mornings in which you scroll through last night's facebook posts only to realize what a complete ASS you made of yourself would be good, too. No one needs to know how much you love that rainbow colored My Little Pony after a bottle or two of tequila.

  3. Replies
    1. Well that's nice to hear! Thanks for reading!

  4. Once again you did nail it! I love reading your shit :)

  5. I just heard that men tend to view others as more sexually available and desirable if the other person is seen with alcohol (they don't even have to be drinking it) maybe keep a few of those pictures up? And while I enjoy all of your blogs, this one is especially great.

    1. That's amazing news! I love finding legitimate reasons to have a Vodka Soda in my hand!