Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Wake Up Call

The night of my 26th birthday I received a call from my mother. I was two bottles of wine and one showstopping karaoke performance of Paris Hilton's "Stars are Blind" into the night and thrilled to receive yet another call thanking me for my existence. The call didn't go as planned...

Me:  So Mom, how does it feel that your little boy is 26 years old?!
Mom:  It makes me feel like you should probably be grown up by now.
Me:  ....

I'm certain she was trying to make the same jokes that I'm always making about myself, but hearing my mother give voice to the insecurities that I'd been feeling shook me a bit. I ordered another bottle of wine and signed up to sing a sad James Taylor song, vowing that night that it was time for me to grow up. I was going to start paying my bills on time, I was going to start feeding myself from more than just the Cheetos and Gummy Bear portion of the food pyramid, and I was going to quit hiding from adulthood.

It was a nice thought, but I'm the first to admit I'm kinda slow on the uptake. I've just passed my 27th birthday, and I haven't really done anything to change my life (unless you count a complete overhaul of my hairstyle...which I do). I'm still choosing boxes of wine over my electric bill. I'm still crash dieting for weeks to slim down rather than visiting the gym regularly. And I'm still spending more time concerned with the problems of fictional characters than I am fixing my own (but seriously, Ally McBeal needs to get her shit together). Now that I'm officially in my late twenties, it really is time to make a change and grow the f#%! up.

What's to keep me from falling into old habits though? Obviously I can't be trusted when left to my own devices. That's where you, my adoring friends, family and inevitably tens of new followers from the interwebs, come in. I'm going to chronicle my journey into adulthood here for you all. Hopefully this will provide me with the accountability that I'm going to need to make any real changes to my life. I'm sure I'll slip up (hopefully in quirky and hilarious ways), but as a favorite internet meme of mine once said, "If Britney Spears can get through 2007, you can handle your problems." Of course, there's also an added bonus of (hopefully) getting the online validation that every modern twenty-something seems to crave so desperately.

What can you expect to read here? Who the hell knows, I'll probably give it up within the week. If I do stay focused, however, you'll hopefully see all kinds of personal growth. I've started a new diet plan this week (that I then immediately failed). I plan on starting to cook real meals on a regular basis which will (fingers crossed) solve the problem of the perpetual orange cheese powder stains under my fingernails (holy hell I love orange cheese powder). I'll likely have tons of new tips and tricks that I've learned to help save money (I'm sure I'll be SO good at it once I try). And just maybe you'll get to be a witness to Chris finally growing the f#%! up.

Probably not though.

Sorry, Mom.

(On a side note, after naming this blog post I remembered when Hayden Panettiere released her music video for the song of the same title. It's 100%'s reggae influenced, she raps, she wears disguises. Also, I over-drafted my bank account by downloading it on iTunes a few years ago. Worth it.)

You're welcome.

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