Monday, November 11, 2013

Britney Spears is Changing My Life

(and how she can do the same for you)

It's a well documented fact that I have a problem with follow through. It's an even more well documented fact that I have an even bigger problem with just not starting things to begin with.

Whatever book I'm reading is usually more interesting than cleaning ever could be. Wine and movie nights are much more fun than picking up extra shifts at work. I could sit down and work out a budget, but that seems like a problem for Next Week Chris. And there is always, always, always something on Netflix that is better than going to the gym.

But I noticed a change with the release of Britney Spears's motivational anthem, Work B*tch.

Yes, Britney, I DO want a hot body, I DO want a Bugatti (I mean I'd probably even settle for a car that doesn't have the imprint of the bridge that I rammed it into on its front bumper), I DO want to sip martinis, and I'd LOVE to look hot in a bikini (or, given that I'm a male with a reasonable amount of body hair, some trunks)!

And you're telling me (kind of aggressively) that all I need to do is work?!

It's so. f#%!ing. simple.

I'm really great at making goals, but wishful thinking isn't enough. I needed a push, a reminder that nothing is going to change until I start taking an active role in making that change happen. I needed to be told, in no uncertain terms, that if I wanted something, I was going to need to go out and get it.

In other words, "Work, bitch!"

"I know I said I'd go to the gym, but I forgot my water bottle at home, so..."

"Prep time 25 minutes?! Maybe I'll just eat Oreos for supper..."

"I don't feel like doing laundry, I'd probably get away with wearing my 2002 high school choir t-shirt to work..."

"Sleeping 'til noon sounds awesome, but I should probably get up at seven this weekend so I have plenty of time to get all of the cleaning done that I put off all week."'re right, gurl, let's hit snooze.

In all seriousness though, it has become a fantastic mantra. I've been to the gym three times in the last week (which is three times more than the last four months), I guilted myself into working an extra shift, I started writing this very blog post three days sooner than I normally do, and I even did the dishes right after preparing a meal!

I also recently ate pasta out of a mixing bowl, so we're not quite there.

This revelation made me wonder if I've been overlooking Britney as a source of motivation, knowledge, and guidance. Are there other brilliant gems hidden in her music? I decided to take a look back at my five favorite Britney songs, and explore how each one can be used to make our lives better.

1. Kill The Lights

One of my favorite things about Ms. Spears is that she doesn't pander to the insecure, emo, disenfranchised crowd. Don't get me wrong, I love Lady Gaga and Katy Perry, and there are times when being told that I'm a Firework who was Born This Way is exactly what I need to hear. Britney doesn't bother with the "a bunch of people think I suck, but I'm going to rise above it because, gosh darnit, I'm wonderful" mindset though. Her message  is, "I'm a hot ass bitch, I know it, and I'm sorry, was someone else speaking?"

Kill the Lights is the perfect example of this. Just try to have a low self esteem day after jamming out to this song. I listen to this one a lot while getting ready, feeling preposterously sassy while I sing the lyrics, "Mr. Photographer, I think I'm ready for my close up tonight. Make sure you catch me from my good side...pick one." Have more self confident lyrics ever been written? 

Maybe you disagree, but I can't really be bothered to care what your opinion on the subject is right now.

2. Brave New Girl

Artists like Gaga and Madonna get all the credit for reinventing themselves once a year, and they certainly do make miraculous transformations, but Britney has come a long way herself (and she's got a weird British accent now too, so looks like you're not so f#%!ing special, Madonna). Some of the transformations have been a bit scary (as with all major national tragedies, I remember exactly where I was when I'd learned that Britney had shaved her head), but she's found her way back to the top.

This particular track has always been my go to "my life is feeling stagnate, it's time to make a change" song. This song is perfect for driving with the windows down and screaming at the top of your lungs, "She lands on both feet, won't take the backseat, there's a brave new girl, and she's coming out tonight."

It's also great for making you feel like you're too old to still be doing this.

3. Boys

I feel like I need to take a second to comment on this video that I just revisited for probably the first time since it came out in 2001. What a wonderful reminder of what a freaking badass dancer she was before her knee injury and subsequent spiral into the Cheeto eating, chain smoking, barefoot in a bathroom mess that we came to know and love (and her eye makeup is on point)! As fierce as she is though, I'm a bit troubled by the celebrity cameos that were included in the video. Austin Powers? DJ Qualls?! Oh, 2001...

Personally, I'm terrified of approaching people that I'm interested in, but I need only borrow half the confidence our girl has in this song to get ALL the boys! I'm seriously considering trying the "You're a sexy guy, and I'm a nice boy..." line the next time I'm out at The Saloon.

And if that doesn't work, I can just aggressively whisper, "Get Nasty..." in their ear.

4. Amnesia

Okay, finding a lesson to learn from this one is a bit of a stretch, but I needed to include it because it's my absolute favorite. It was recorded for Circus, but as far as I know, never made it on to any of her albums, and I can't imagine why! I ADORE it! It's a bubbly, happy song with an adorable quality that a lot of Britney's super sexualized songs don't have (not that I don't love every single one of her songs that feature heavy unexplained panting in the middle).

So, what can we take away from this? Sew your name in your clothes in case you meet a cute boy and get amnesia?

Works for me.

5. Phonography

A bonus track on the Deluxe Edition of the Circus album. This is both the most fun and most ridiculous song in her vast library of music. It's the most fun to dance to, but it also tries to make Bluetooths (Blueteeth?) sexy.

It also teaches us how wonderful sexting is!

Nevermind, scratch that, this one's just for dancing.

In conclusion, I hate writing conclusions, so let's just end on a gif of Britney pretending to grab Demi Lovato's ass.

God, I love her.

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