Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Just a Bunch of Hocus Pocus

Before we get started here I want to first make sure that we are all on the same page and agreeing that the end of October is the GREATEST TIME OF THE YEAR.

Seriously. Is there anything not to love about this time of year? 

The answer you're looking for is, "No. There's not, Chris." We've got pretty colored leaves, American Horror Story is on again, sweater weather, I don't have to feel bad for driving places that it's nice enough outside to walk to, and most of all...Halloween.

There are two types of people in the world; those who love Halloween and those who should do us all a favor and go fall in a hole.

I've had a serious love for All Hallow's Eve for as long as I can remember, and most of my traditions have grown up with me. I still watch Hocus Pocus every year, but the addition of wine has made it infinitely better. Pumpkin carving is an annual event, and Peppermint Patties go along with it quite nicely. I still pass out at 3 AM on Halloween night, but now it's caused by vodka and not the crash from a peanut butter cup induced sugar high.

I may not have done any actual growing up since starting this blog, but week after week it seems to bring to light troubling evidence which implies that I may be developing a drinking problem.

Like I do every year, I began planning my costume months before Halloween, but put off putting it together until a week before when I had to frantically throw something together.

This year I planned on being a raincheck.

So cute, right? 

Turns out adorable yellow rain jackets and matching galoshes are easier to find for women than they are for men (yet another example of how my life would be better if I was a drag queen). So after a few months of exhaustive (I eBayed it twice) searching, I was a week from Halloween with no clue what I was going to do. That's when I flashed back to the Girly Game Night I'd attended a few weeks before when I pointed out to everyone how gay all of the boys on Dream Phone looked.

I would snuggle Paul so hard.
...I look gay...I could be a Dream Phone boy.

So I decided to make a cardboard cutout of one of the cards, throw on some late 80's/early 90's clothes, and call it a costume. AND I could blog about my original, last minute, inexpensive, DIY costume!

I severely underestimated how much time and money this would end up costing me. DIY is only easy and inexpensive if you already have all of the stuff.

So I scoured the thrift stores and craft shops for supplies and finally got to work four days before Halloween. I started out by spray painting a piece of foam board hot pink. I briefly considered trying to do it in my kitchen (like when I used acrylic sealant indoors the last time I crafted), but figured  there was no way I would keep the pink contained, so I did it in the super sketchy area underneath my apartment stairs.

I left it to dry for a day, and then cut out the portrait area of the card. Cutting a straight line ended up being WAY harder than I anticipated, so to draw attention away from my goof (and to give it a little something extra), I added a border of glitter around the outside. I used painters tape to ensure that my lines were even, applied a layer of Mod Podge and then glitter, and left it to dry (for about an hour or so) before peeling off the tape. 

Next I turned my attention to the logo. I'm far too anal retentive to just trace any old letters on the foam board; it had to be the actual logo. I ended up finding it on the internet, zooming in to the size I wanted it to be, and tracing it onto notebook paper from my computer screen. I then cut those letters out and traced them on to colored tag board. 

It was super tedious and awful, so I left the rest of the work for the next day. 

After getting all the lettering cut out, I brushed on a layer of Mod Podge and added glitter. While the letters dried I cut out two more pieces of tagboard to serve as the border for the logo. I added another layer of glitter around the edges of the outer piece, and then glued the letters into place.

Once I finished the logo, I said f#%! it, and went to bed, meaning I had to finish the rest on Halloween day before going out to the bar. 

I finished it up by repeating the tracing, stenciling, and glittering process on the letters for my name and phone number. After everything was glued in place, I did a few coats of clear acrylic sealant to hold the glitter in place, and give the whole thing a bit of a glossy appearance.

Winking? Drunk eyes? Don't know, don't care.
I didn't decide until last minute if I was going to use my real phone number or not. It wasn't until I called my sister to ask for advice and she asked, "Seriously? Why would you use your real number, are you trying to get a date out of it or something?" 

Well...I'm certainly not trying to not get a date. Real phone number it is!

I finished in just enough time to get changed and get ready for people to meet at my apartment to have a few drinks before we went out. 

I'm just about the worst possible host. It never occurs to me that I should have things like snacks, or drinks, or toilet paper for my guests until they are already here. 

I pretty much drink like a hobo, and I mix with whatever I have in the fridge...seriously, one time I mixed mandarin orange juice and vodka and pretended that Mandarin Orange Martinis were a thing that normal people drink. At the time I was planning on shooting vodka straight and chasing it with water. Luckily I stumbled upon the bottle of Crystal Light I'd used a few weeks ago to try to make beer drinkable, and I could throw together a cocktail using lukewarm tap water and vodka.

"I don't have any ice, but you can chip some frost out of the freezer if you'd like?"

We'd planned on going out to karaoke on Halloween night, but we also wanted to take advantage of 2 for 1 drinks at The Underground before we went down. That's when I realized just how obnoxious my costume was. I really didn't account for how super annoying it would be trying to negotiate a crowd with a 3' x 5' piece of foamboard. Not only was it super hard to get around, but I kept getting stopped and asked to hold it up only to receive blank stares and confused questions. That's when I made another realization...

Dream Phone came out in 1991. 21 year olds were born in 1992.

F#%! this place, I'm out.

I got another chance to trot my costume out at my friend's Halloween party that Saturday. As I was getting ready, I noticed that sometime Thursday night the wind jacket had developed a red stain on the front (which is odd since my drink is clear). I briefly considered wearing a different costume, but then I remembered that I don't have anything to prove, threw on my slap bracelet, and headed out.

Now this was a crowd that could appreciate my costume, and by that I mean they were old enough to have voted in the 2004 Presidential Election. I set the cutout to the side while I grabbed a drink and mingled. While I left the cutout unattended there was apparently an entire photo shoot with Ursula the Sea Witch, The Predator, and Jesus Riding a Dinosaur all as Dream Phone Boys. It's been hilarious seeing the photos pop up on my newsfeed, but has caused a bit of concern over the number of people on the internet that now have my phone number (apparently not enough concern for me to edit it out of the picture posted above). 

I've decided to just start answering all unknown numbers by saying, "He looks good in whatever he wears, but he doesn't have the money to pay for whatever bill you're calling him about right now!"

The night, and the 2013 Halloween season, ended, as every night that begins with me chasing allergy medication with vodka does, with me talking a straight boy into taking his shirt off (not being hyperbolic, this is literally how this scenario always plays out). 

Sorry 'bout it.

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