Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Pretty in Pink

I consider myself a bit of a movie buff. I keep current with what new releases are coming out, often times accidentally spending hours watching movie trailers online. I crush it at the six degrees of Kevin Bacon game (seriously. crush it). IMDB is used more than Google for web searches, and I'm not afraid to pause the movie and give a lecture if you talk during an especially important scene. I take this shit seriously.

It's because of this that people are often times shocked when they reference "classic" films only for me to shrug and say, "Meh, haven't seen it."

"You haven't seen Pretty in Pink?!"
"Are you kidding me?"
"How is it possible that you're 27 years old and haven't seen Pretty in Pink?!"
"I dunno."
"I can't even believe it! It's Pretty in Pink!"
"The extent to which you're caring about this is making me uncomfortable."

So in my search for new things to blog about, I decided that I could totally make this a thing. I could watch movies that are apparently a requirement for growing up and then write about them.

Sound like more fun than exercising.

I decided to start out with Pretty in Pink, mostly 'cause it was on Netflix and seemed easiest. I wanted to make a whole night out of it, so I bought Pink Moscato, pink gummy hearts, pink Dots, and pizza rolls (which had Canadian bacon, which is pink), and the best part of the whole thing was that I didn't even need to feel bad about it! Little known dieting fact: calories don't count if it's part of a theme night. You're welcome.

Besides, I'd been eating right for hours already that day.

**Spoilers Ahead**

I basically knew the premise of the movie already. Molly Ringwald likes a boy, and that guy from Three and a Half Men is her best friend who is in love with her, but she doesn't give a shit about his feelings because he has a stupid name and dumb hats. In the end though, she realizes that Duckie was the one who always loved her, and maybe she feels the same way. Also, she wears a lot of pink.

What I didn't see coming was the storyline with her deadbeat father, Prophet Roman Grant from Big Love. I mean I feel terrible that his wife left him, but I'm pretty sure he had like 40 more the last time I saw him. Deal with it, and get a freaking job.

I was also a bit perturbed by how mudery Molly Ringwald's (Andie's) crush, Blane, was.

Seriously, this actually happens.

Gurl, get out of the f#%!ing library! I've seen this movie, and the redhead doesn't survive!

The whole thing is super duper creepy, but my biggest concern was, how the f#%! did he get a picture of her onto that ancient computer?! I mean, I don't remember much about using those ancient dinosaur computers, but I do remember it wasn't as simple as hitting a button on your phone to upload it to your Instagram. He planned this shit out!

It was right after this terrifying exchange that my internet went out, putting an abrupt end to my theme night, and turning it into just another guilt ridden night of eating junk food and watching Elizabethtown...again.

So. Many. Feelings.
The next night my internet was still down, so I braved the blizzard to just buy my own damn copy of the movie from Target.

As the film progressed, Blane got creepier and creepier. He takes her to this awful party with all of his friends and then keeps trying to get her alone with him upstairs, insisting that he's not trying to bang her...because I really think he's trying to kill her.

When he can't get her alone he drives her home, and they share what I think the director meant me to think is a romantic kiss in the street, but it really only made me question whether or not I've been kissing correctly.

Are you supposed to use that much hand when you kiss? I mean sure, maybe run your fingers through their hair or caress their cheek a bit, but he's straight up mauling her face in this scene. It's the most aggressive kissing I've seen since that time that guy bit me.

Meanwhile, Duckie is devastated. I can't say I blame him either. I've been Duckie. In love with a friend who doesn't return the feelings, but doesn't shy away from affectionate touching and lovely speeches about how wonderful he is. 

What a bitch.

Blane's next vaguely ominous move is to take Andie on a date to an abandoned horse stable.

Are people seriously watching this movie and thinking, "Oh, I just wish someone loved me enough to take me to go sit in hay and smell horse shit all night!"?!

Andie and Blane have now been on two dates, so obviously they're now madly in love. It's a love so strong that it can only be stopped by the threat of social ostracism by Blane's much hotter friend, Steff (I love all the gender f#%!ery going on with the character names in this movie). Steff reminds Blane that Andie is poor, and he is running the risk of spreading Poor People Cooties to their entire social circle. Blane caves immediately without even extending the courtesy of actually breaking up with Andie.

She doesn't take it well.

As we reach the climax of the movie, Andie has decided that she won't let those rich kids ruin her prom, so she sews two sort of awful dresses together to make one mega awful dress and goes to the prom be surrounded by people who hate her...

Gurl, maybe you should sit this one out? Stay in, eat some ice cream, watch a movie?

Have you seen Elizabethtown yet?
She gets to the prom, and you can see the apprehension on her face, until Duckie valiantly walks through the crowd to meet her, proving that he'll love her no matter how shitty she treats him. This is what I've been waiting for the entire movie.

I just wish he looked a little less doofy.
Is this where the movie ends though? Do the two of them dance all night? Does she profess that she loved him all along? Do they share a super romantic first kiss as some schmaltzy 80's love song swells in the background?

No. They don't.

Duckie tells her that she belongs with Blane. 



She leaves Duckie to run out to be with the guy who was mildly stalking her. The guy who has spent the entire movie trying not to be seen in public with her. The guy who dumped her just because his friend suggested it. The guy who put forth zero effort the entire f#%!ing movie!

Then they make out in the poorly lit parking lot behind the gymnasium.

This was what I've been missing out on, you guys?


Just as a side note. I spent the entire movie crushing HARD on the bouncer of the club that wouldn't let Duckie in.

So much so that I took the time to figure out what he was looking like nowadays.

So that's pretty embarassing.

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