Thursday, March 6, 2014

Goonies Never Say Die

Every last one of you is in the dog house right now.


I realize that I resisted. I was probably even a bit of a bitch about it, but I'm incredibly susceptible to peer pressure. If you really cared about me, you'd have made it happen, and I wouldn't be feeling the way that I do now. Like my life is suddenly fulfilled, but with the knowledge that I've wasted 28 years with a Chunk-less existence.

You guys, I loved this movie. Like really loved it. Like really, really loved it.

Let me count the ways.

"Oh my god!" is right! Oh my god, that's Martha Plimpton! I recently fell in love with Raising Hope, and Martha Plimpton's character in particular. I had no clue she was a former child star!

Maybe she didn't have a ton of lines, but seeing her in those glasses more than made up for it!

How super adorable is Josh Brolin?! Young Chris would have had such a crush on him! I just want to pinch his cheeks!

(Full disclosure, this description of Josh Brolin and what I want to do to him was edited a lot after I Googled how old he was during the filming of this movie)

It's positively full Pinterest worthy inspirational quotations!

And the humor is shockingly adult for a movie that I found in the children's aisle.

But seriously, is this supposed to be a kids movie? 'Cause I could get down with this bondage action.

Oh hey, Josh Brolin...

Movies like this, childhood buddy movies, always make me super nostalgic for a group of friends I never even had and for adventures I never went on. My social group was basically Beth and I sitting in the same over-sized armchair watching horror movies that were far too gruesome for two kids whose mommies were still cutting the crusts off of their sandwiches. I was also much more of a "stays in and reads" type of child, so the closest to adventure I got was when I picked up a Fear Street Super Chiller

Towards the start of the movie, I thought I had found a kindred spirit in the main character, Mikey.

...and there's a Top Chef marathon we're missing.

But as the film progressed, Mikey became brave and adventurous. He met every challenge head on, and he overcame struggles and near mutiny to make his dreams come true and inspire others to do things they never thought they could.

Thats...not my story.

Now, Chunk on the other hand...

 This kid.

Chunk gives me life. I don't think I've seen more of myself in a character since that time I got drunk and decided to use Lorelei Gilmore as a template for how to get over a breakup (it ended poorly...really, really poorly).

Let's go over the similarities.

We both wildly exaggerate every story that we tell.

...I mean...I don't do that...everything I've ever written about happened exactly as I said.

It's called eating your feelings, and it's a perfectly reasonable coping mechanism.

We both have goddamn dirty mouths. 

Although I prefer the word f#%! (used often and emphatically) to shit, but to each his own.

Not everyone is cut out for camping.

This has been the story of my recent Pre-Birthday diet. Smoothie for breakfast, ice water for lunch, a salad for supper, and then THE ENTIRE CONTENTS OF MY FRIDGE for a midnight snack.

I'm pretty sure I ate part of an ice cream sandwich wrapper the other day because I couldn't be bothered to peel it all the way off.

Speaking of ice cream...

I can't stay mad if there's a sweet treat in the vicinity either.

Chunk was definitely the shining star of the movie, but the rest of it was freaking amazing too! It was suspenseful, hilarious, and while it may be a kids movie, it didn't seem like it was made by people who assumed that kids are idiots (I'm looking at you Hotel for Dogs)

There's just one little bit of the movie that I was a little unprepared for.

What the actual f#%!?!
I know that Sloth is a gentle giant, and that he's one of the good guys, but his lack of teeth and his ears that seemed to move independently from the rest of his head made me a little uncomfortable. I spent most of his scenes laughing uncomfortably at his antics while also checking to be sure the rest of the characters had a clear path to an exit...just in case. In the end, he did save my boy Chunk though, so I have to respect him for that.

I was a bit perturbed by this exchange between the two though.

Really, Chunk? You think you're ready to take on being this man's primary caregiver? Yes, he's been good to you, but he's got some real developmental issues, and I'm pretty sure he's going to need way more help than an 11 year old can provide. Who knows what kind of behavioral issues he's going to have. What if he isn't so generous with half of his Baby Ruth next time?

And don't you think you should maybe run this by your parents first?!

Overall I'm giving this movie 7 stars...out of 5. 

I really f#%!ing loved it. 

Who's coming over for my third viewing this week?

Oh! And I almost forgot Chunk and my's biggest similarity.

Killer moves.

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