Thursday, May 15, 2014

10 Recent Google Searches That Prove I'm Not Ready to be a Grown Up

1. How do you pronounce "Quinoa?"

How is it that quinoa has become the most popular health food (for people who hate delicious things), and I've only ever seen it in print. Seriously, it's shown up on multiple menus, and I've had follow up questions that I've been too embarrassed to ask without knowing for sure how to say the stupid word.

Follow up questions like...

2. What is quinoa?

Apparently it's a lot like couscous.

So once I figure out what couscous is...

3. The Simple Life season 1 where are they now?

I want desperately to know if the sons from the family that Paris and Nicole lived with ended up being hot (not the little one, he's got about four more years before I don't feel weird about Googling him). So desperately that I spent an hour attempting to figure it out the other day. An hour that could probably have been better spent running out to get light bulbs so I don't have to keep doing my hair in the's not cute.

Other phrases tried: "Leding Family 2014" "Cain and Justin Leding" "Leding Family Pictures" "Leding Boys, hot?"

It wasn't until I started typing this that I remembered that Facebook is a thing that exists...and I found one of them. His likes include the entire cast of Duck Dynasty, Paula Deen, Ted Nugent, and "Beautiful Bitches." So it doesn't really seem like I'd be his type...

4. How do I get out a really old chocolate stain?

Every summer I try and make white shorts happen, and every summer it ends the same.

5. Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants New Movie

Were you all aware that this is happening? Do any of you care that this is happening?

I read a news article about this the other day and I freaked. the. f#%!. out. I'm serious. It was a really scary moment actually. Everything went blurry, time seemed to slow, I went momentarily deaf. The shock to my system was so intense that I'm pretty sure if I ever get asked at a doctor's appointment about any history of heart problems, I'll have to be like, "Well there was this minor cardiac incident on April 23rd 2014 when I found out about 'Sisterhood Everlasting.'"

My connection to these movies is real, it's intense, and it's completely unexplainable.

6. RuPaul's Drag Race Season 6 gifs

I started this blog as a way to develop my voice. I don't have any real expectations that it will make me internet famous, but I wanted to start writing something. I needed to find my strengths, and I wanted to learn what I needed to work on. This way, hopefully sometime down the road, I can take what I've learned and apply it to something that will actually make me some money.

Instead I've started a weekly ritual of spending 5 hours searching the internet for funny gifs and then spending twenty frantic minutes trying to write something that I can use them in.

But, come on. Courtney Act trying to use a straw...

7. What is a TED Talk?

I've legitimately been smiling and nodding for a year when people talk about amazing things they heard on a TED Talk, silently praying that no one asks any follow up questions, and quickly changing the subject to something I have more of a metal grasp on. Like videos of cats eating lollipops.

8. Prince Harry, butt.

Sometimes after a long, hard day, I just need to be reminded that these photos exist.

9. Olivia Pope wine glasses

Because even though I've got a late cell phone bill, a car that needs a new whatever the part is that keeps coolant from hemorrhaging onto my parking lot, a refrigerator whose only contents is moldy pineapple and an old box of wine, a pile of laundry that is legitimately almost as tall as I am, and absolutely no money to pay for any of it, I still recently pondered spending $12 per glass on a full set of the gorgeous wine glasses that Olivia Pope uses on Scandal.

Just think of how f#%!ing classy I'd look though!

10. What is dub-step?

Nevermind. Disregard all previous evidence to the contrary.

I'm old as f#%!.

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