Thursday, August 21, 2014

Top Gun

Okay, you guys, Top Gun is awesome.

Of course, my opinion of this movie can probably be explained by the fact that I'm also a fan of gay porn.

Seriously though. Straight guys are getting into this movie?!

I've indignantly refused to watch Top Gun for some time now. I claimed no interest in cheesy 80's action movies. Then I was moved to tears by Terminator. I'd decided that Tom Cruise couldn't be taken seriously after that whole couch jumping period he went through. Then I re-watched Interview With the Vampire, and remembered that he is actually super talented (and super gorgeous). I also had a problem taking any movie seriously that featured 80's power ballads on their soundtracks.

Top Gun has changed that for me. I want Kenny Loggins's Danger Zone playing in the background every time I do anything. I want it playing when I'm brushing my teeth in the morning. I want it playing while I'm road raging at fellow motorists on my way to work. I want it playing as I shake the vending machine that my pop tarts are stuck in. I want it playing as I sit pantsless, watching What Not to Wear, elbow deep in family sized bag of Cheetoes.

"Oh really, HyVee sales associate? You're out of Three Meat Totino's Pizza Rolls?"

"Well guess who's gonna walk out of here without making a fuss? This guy."

The only time I don't want Danger Zone playing is when things are about to get sexy, in which case, Berlin's Take My Breath Away will do quite nicely.

**Spoilers ahead**

So the breakdown of this movie is 10% people dramatically removing or putting on their sunglasses,

10% the most quotable lines in any movie I've ever seen,

and 80% the opening sequence of every gay porn ever.

It's not even subtle...

I spent much of the movie with my mouth agape, honestly wondering if maybe I'd accidentally grabbed some parody version of Top Gun at the video store (Versatile Bottom Gun, perhaps?), but I'm not even sure that Family Video has a back room for that kind of movie.

 The plot of the movie seems to take a backseat to finding ways to get these men engaged in sexually charged stares, homoerotic banter, or just straight up naked and touching each other. Tom Cruise, Maverick, is a bad boy fighter pilot with a vaguely shady past who, along with his partner, Goose (who has porniest mustache I've ever seen that's still somehow kinda sexy), get chosen to enter into the Navy's most elite flight school.

(Sexual) Tensions arise the first day in class between our main characters and Val Kilmer (who turns out was super f#%!ing hot once up on a time), Iceman, and his partner, Slider. They don't really say to much to each other, but they do blow each other with their eyes.

That's an awfully limp wrist I'm seeing on that extra sitting in the back of the classroom.

The rivalry between Maverick and Iceman builds as they both insist to the other that they'll end up as Top Gun, even though you can clearly tell they're definitely both power bottoms. The whole situation comes to a head when the two duos run into each other at a bar, and Goose and Slider have this discussion about ass play and penis size.

Yeah. Something's definitely flaming here.

We're also introduced to some chick that's going to be Maverick's beard for the rest of the movie. He goes after her pretty hard, but he does it via a musical number surrounded by twenty men, all dressed identically singing back-up.

You're not fooling anyone, Mav.

There were a lot of scenes of them flying around in their planes at this point, and quite frankly I was confused by most of them. I had a hard time keeping everyone straight when they were all shouting into their walkie-talkies and wearing helmets...and pants. I'm pretty sure that the gist of it was that Iceman was in the lead in the rankings, 'cause Maverick was a rebel and super not into safety or rules.

It all boils over when everyone is standing around naked and sweaty in the locker room. Iceman calls Maverick dangerous in the locker room, and the assertiveness of the whole thing is such a turn on that Maverick just goes ahead and ssumes the position right there in front of everyone.

Look at the guy on the left checking him out. I'm not even making this stuff up, you guys.

After that whole incident, Mav starts to really look at his life, look at his choices.

Just accept it, we'll all still love you.

They shove a bunch more plot in here, but I'm not sure about the timeline of the events anymore, mostly because I'd given up on taking plot notes, and focused instead on noting every scene in the movie where I saw nipples.

Like their super intimate volleyball game.

I need someone to tell me if straight guys really behave like this. If so, I'll seriously consider going back into the closet.

Towards the end, shit got super real. Goose is killed in a horrible accident during one of their drills. It's a pretty shocking and sad moment, and it brought me to the brink of tears. Tears that I'm certain would have  spilled if the very next scene (seriously, RIGHT after they pull his body out of the ocean) wasn't this...

Dat ass.

The movie got significantly less porn-y from this point on, and I got significantly less interested. I'm pretty sure Iceman wins Top Gun, but it's fine because Maverick learned something more important about himself or whatever. Then they go off and shoot down some bad guys (at least I think they did, I'd moved on to my second bottle of wine this point).

I really think I'm going to recommend that they reconsidering leaving this DVD where kids or fundamentalist Christians can see it when I return it to the video store.

Shit, Becky.

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