Thursday, August 28, 2014

In the Kitchen With Chris: Honey Soy Pork Tenderloin

Are you guys aware that Kris Jenner is releasing a cookbook that's ALSO entitled "In the Kitchen With Kris"?! What kind of chance do you think I have with the lawsuit I plan to bring against her?

I moved out of my comfort zone this week. I've been fairly successful in the kitchen since I began taking on these culinary experiments. I've been successful at cooking chicken, and chicken, and chicken, and chicken, and chicken.

I picked a Honey Soy Pork Tenderloin, largely because I have the sense of humor of an eleven year old, and the word "pork" kinda makes me giggle, but also because I bought soy sauce for another recipe awhile ago, and I don't know what the hell else to do with it. I found it on Pinterest (obvies), you can find it on my Pinterest boards here. Or you can view the recipe on the site where it originated at Add a Pinch.

It's another crock pot recipe, so I figured I could do my shopping on Sunday night after work, run home on my lunch break Monday afternoon to throw everything together, and when I got home that evening I'd have a delicious meal waiting for me.

And that's basically how it happened...with a few hiccups along the way.

It was nothing major, considering the troubles I usually run into. Like, if we're comparing forgetting my grocery list to that time that I almost died from all the smoke pouring from my oven when I tried to make Grilled Cheese Pull Apart Bread (I'm just promoting the shit out of my old posts this week), this week was a breeze.

I got off work at 9 and stopped back at home to change into something a little less godawful than the olive green polo and name-tag that I'd been wearing all day. My phone was beeping incessantly at me, begging to be plugged in. I figured I'd only be gone for fifteen minutes, and I could go fifteen minutes without my phone. So I plugged it in and left, honestly feeling like I'd accomplished something important.

Yeah, that's right. I don't even need to play Kim Kardashian: Hollywood for 15 minutes.

What I did need was the list of ingredients that I'd saved on my phone.

It's a testament to how easy this recipe is that I remembered all of the ingredients without the list. The only one that I had trouble with was some seasoning that I couldn't remember the name of. But after explaining to the Cub Foods employee unlucky enough to ask me if he could help me find anything that I was looking for some seasoning, but I didn't remember the name, and I didn't know what it looked like, but I was pretty sure it was Canadian; we were able to narrow it down to Montreal steak seasoning.

Here's what you'll need if you want to give this one a try yourself:

1/4 cup olive oil
1/4 cup soy sauce
1/2 cup honey
3 tablespoons Montreal Steak Seasoning
2 cloves minced garlic or 1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
Pinch ground ginger
Pinch red pepper flakes (optional)
1 2 1/2-3 lb pork tenderloin

Then you just spray the crock pot, throw in the meat, mix up the rest of the junk and pour that on top. Cook on high for four hours or on low for six hours.

A child could make this.

So on Monday I told my co-workers I was going to take an extra fifteen minutes for lunch to give myself plenty of time to get back home, do the required measuring, and mixing, and pouring, and get back to work. I was feeling pretty confident until I unwrapped the pork loin and it ripped right apart as I tried to pull it out of the package. I was a little bit psyched about somehow having gained enough super strength to rip apart pork flesh without even trying, but after considering the responsibilities that would come along with suddenly becoming a superhero (fighting crime seems hard and scary, no thank you, please), I decided to investigate other explanations.

Turns out I'd bought Pork Tenderloin Tips instead of just a regular whole Pork Tenderloin, and I reacted in the way that I do every time something goes wrong when I cook.

Full on panic.

I immediately began trying to run contingency plans in my head. Running to the store to buy a new tenderloin wasn't possible in the time period I had. Maybe I could just order pizza tonight? I could put the pieces back together in the shape of the tube that it came in using toothpicks and the power of prayer to hold them together?

I only had a few minutes left on my lunch break though, and I did not have time to be doing slimy meat puzzles.

So I just threw the pork tips into the crock pot, dumped on the rest of the ingredients, crossed my fingers, and headed back to work.

In the end it just ended up taking a little less time than anticipated, but the finished product was so delicious, albiet super hideous.

It looked a little better once it was on the plate (and paired with some wine).

Omm. Nom. Nom.

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